hemingway a b l e k n i f e - Page 2 of 24 - :lamentations of a self-proclaimed dilettante:

a b l e k n i f e

:lamentations of a self-proclaimed dilettante:

Page 2 of 24

:why not:

surveys can be entertaining, especially if they’re not things like, “who is the last person you slept with,” which, when it’s not completely obvious, as in my case, is just stupid.

so, thanks to TJ for providing this only mildly silly survey of our year gone by, 2008:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
a lot of inversions.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?
No, because I don’t make them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
a couple of people. i am now an aunt to the beautiful annabelle mae!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
can’t say that they did.

5. What countries did you visit?
sadly, none.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
our own home.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
april 5, the day we moved, annabelle was born, and also happens to be both my dads’ birthdays.
Dec. 25, my first white Christmas.
Sept. 15 of every year, which is chloe’s birthday.
my birthday because jared surprised me big time!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
FINALLY finding what i love to do and becoming a yoga instructor.

9. What was your biggest failure?
not reaching out to my community like i say i want to.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
we all had one very serious flu a few months ago. lots of excretions from all ends.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my saka pinda yoga bag.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
chloe’s off and on 🙂

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
chloe’s, off and on.

14. Where did most of your money go?
rent and daycare.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
teaching, hiking in kauai, quitting starbucks!

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2008?
Anything from the Once soundtrack.
“Blue Ridge Mountains”- Fleet Foxes
“Songs from a Blue Guitar”- Red House Painters
“Chicago”- Sufjan Stevens
“Orange Sky”- Alexi Murdoch
“you’re a wolf”- seawolf
“L’Incertitude D’Heisenberg”- telepopmusik
“Shut up and let me go”- the ting tings

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a. more happy or more sad?
100%, without a doubt, more happy.
b. thinner or fatter?
15 pounds thinner
c. Richer or poorer?
Considerably poorer (i guess that shows you that money really isn’t the answer, eh?)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
listening to those in need and praying.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

20. How will you be spending New Years Eve?
i spent it with the nicholson’s and friends playing games and wii ski.

21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2008?
the most embarrassing moment of my life, really. the morning after we stayed at the omni, this lavish hotel in downtown, we were walking out, and somehow a pair of black underwear got stuck to my bag. they fell off right in front of the hotel, where the bell man found them, and came running after me saying, “ma’am, are these your’s,” holding them up with his 2 fingers, in front of everyone waiting for the valet. i was both mortified and totally amused.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Fell in love more with my 2 great loves, jared and chloe.

23. How many one – night stands?
I’m gonna have to say none.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
sadly, the bachelorette. but of course, sex and the city and iron chef.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
um, no.

26. What was the best book you read?
i did read books this past year, but they’re all kind of fuzzy right now. probably a yoga book, though.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
fleet foxes

28. What did you want and get [in general]?
a new job

29. What did you want and not get?
a house

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Once, although i think that was technically the end of 2007, so nevermind. ummmm, i don’t remember. apparently nothing stuck out. i can tell you the worst ones!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i am now 28. jared surprised me with dinner and a night at the omni. then took me to a padres game, in which he invited all our immediate family and friends without my knowledge. it was probably the best birthday yet.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
more close female friends.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
yoga pants.

34. What kept you sane?
jared, God, yoga and the internet.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
i don’t understand.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Anything regarding natural health and sustainability, and of course, the presidential election.

37. Who do you miss?
all the erins and jenns that i know, family.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Many of the people i now work with, sarita & kayla.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
God’s truth comes in many forms, and in many places.
Keep my mouth shut sometimes.


tonight i find myself doing a couple things for the first time…things i normally would never consider, or even imagine:

• watching football…by choice.
• drinking zinfandel with dinner.
• practicing forearm stands…and actually holding them.
• listening to my daughter fart on command.
• signing documents to purchase a house.

i suppose the start of a new year lends itself to new and exciting ventures and experiences. i guess i didn’t expect so many in one night.
mom and baby 2009.jpg

:me…in the city:

my love gave me one of the best Christmas gifts ever, and though it may sound silly, the complete Sex and the City series is one of my new treasures.

this show is funny, both literally and figuratively. it seems to cross generational, racial and even religious lines. the dialogue may be pun-tastic, but what woman doesn’t share 4 fictional gals’ love of shoes, friendship, men and good sex?

sure, the situations and characters are over the top exaggerations of your preppy prude, a neurotic writer, a type-A workaholic and the anti-commitment whore, but isn’t there a bit of us in all of them?

when it all comes down to it, don’t we all yearn for the bond of friendship?

maybe the show is masked by overt sexuality, but under the crass jokes and relationship banter lies the exquisite and complex beauty of being a woman. with each episode i watch, i become more entrenched in the belief that life simply cannot be done without those who make it more full.

the only down side of spending weeks watching the entire series in chronological order (despite having seen each episode more than once before) is when you realize that the only thing you really want is a couple people you can tell anything to…and they never judge you.

but, i digress. maybe trying to find some overarching theme in a fictional show about sex in new york is futile, or maybe there is something to it.

either way, i will keep on going believing in love and believing in friends.

:our 3rd:

i suppose i forgot to mention that we celebrated our third anniversary last week.
it was a much needed day(s) of togetherness.

jared actually had a couple days off in a row, which also happened to be days chloe was in daycare. that meant lots of uninterrupted adult time.

it’s funny how spending quality time with someone reminds you of why you love them and that given time, you can work things out. but it takes a lot of work.

last monday we spent intellectual time together, haunting monica’s in the early morning, discussing questions on faith and love, solving nothing, but gaining new understanding.

tuesday i worked, but we did make time to go to the natural history museum, since it was free tuesdays at balboa park. there wasn’t a whole lot that we haven’t seen before, but there were some lovely photo exhibits on southeast asia, only re-igniting my desire to make a pilgrimage to india (probably for the obvious reasons).

wednesday, our anniversary, we took chloe to daycare for a drop-in, and then headed off to cowles mountain a bit east of here, to make the mile or so hike up and down. it was the perfect day to do it, with the perfect person. it was good to exercise outside, rather than in a studio, and it was a really good time of hashing stuff out. by the time we reached the bottom, we were laughing and playful.

jared wanted to go to cowboy star, a new cowboy chic, meat and potatoes kinda restaurant in downtown. we had a good lunch there, followed by a yummy chocolate cake thing…for me, of course.

the rest of the day was just a good time of being. no work, no kid (for a while), no errands. that’s a rarity, so we reveled in it.

we are grateful to all who remembered our day, sent cards and notes or simply called to acknowledge it. i think we sometimes underestimate the incredible feat of completing each year of marriage. i am learning this myself 🙂

here we are at the top of cowles mountain. it was foggy in the morning, which turned to a white haze, so it’s difficult to see the city below. it really is lovely:
our 3rd.jpg

:music for life:

a couple weeks ago i went through my music collection to make some new playlists for my classes.

i had forgotten some of the great music that lay amidst the dusty, green bin in my daughter’s closet.
it was like Christmas.

as i went through them, i realized i was completely surrounded by my music, just like i used to be. for a brief time, i felt like myself.

it was really nice.


:man husband:

this is my husband:
hes perfect.jpg
(click me)

i basically think that he’s the best…and he’s really cute.

:& serenading:

i have likely posted these lyrics before, but they have just been so radiant to me lately.
Will you come and what will I say
Oh I have been so distant and unhappy
Like I could disappear

When I was a boy I saw things
That no one else could see
So why am I so blind at twenty-two
To the hope that is all around me
Filling up this room

On the road on my own
Waiting for the words to fall from your tongue
Into my ears

When I was a boy I could hear
Symphonies in seashells
So why am I so deaf at twenty-two
To the sound of the driving snow
That drives me home to you



this truly is a spectacle. not just for the history that will be made with either a black president or a female vice president, but for all the energy, controversy and landmark decisions that are being decided upon.

obviously, the presidential race is exciting.

but for us here in california, there are many very important ballot measures coming to the table: gay marriage, abortion rights, animal rights and energy initiatives. because i live in a very liberal, urban area, there is obvious enthusiasm against prop 8 and for prop 2. as i drove the streets in the gray morning drizzle, i was touched and excited to see people gathering on street corners, holding signs, honking horns and showing something more than the robotic apathy that seems to characterize americans these days. but what struck me more was that not one of the people i saw was holding a sign for a presidential candidate. these people were out there for local candidates and ballot measures. some were alone, quietly holding a sign while the rain soaked their hopeful faces. but they still did it.

this is an election year that seems to exude hope. sure, it’s a campaign slogan for a certain special candidate. but it seems like people of all ages, gender and ethnicities are eager for this country to move in a new direction. i am ready, and i hold to that hope.

apathy is the poison which has deadened the american will. we have to awaken to what is outside of this immediate space and time. regardless of your vote, we have to get back to the idea that passion fueled by love and idealism can change this world, not just a country.

but it all has to start in the heart. maybe this election will begin to change our hearts. maybe our steady decline into economic crises will change our hearts. maybe our decline of world power will change our hearts. maybe the displeasure the rest of the world has with the U.S. will change our hearts. maybe realizing that The Kingdom is here, among us, will change our hearts.

the thing that touched me the most today, was a fence that someone painted with huge, block letters in front of their home:

maybe we should make that our slogan this year, and every year.

may the Love and Beauty of God be evident to ALL mankind.

is it giving up my ideals and beliefs, or giving up control that bothers me so?

or maybe it’s just both.

:why are we not getting it?:





maybe it’s just because i’m older, and i understand more about the financial world that this economic chaos is sadly fascinating.

for my generation, it has been drilled into our heads that we have to work our asses off, invest here and there, get equity in a house and put the max into our 401k so we can retire with millions and marvel in our false sense of security.

this past week has shown me, probably like many others, that we are just living a lie. we are investing money into places where there isn’t money, just pieces of paper with dollar signs.

we have lost all hope in true love and commitment and traded it for the love of things and a fat bank account. all of us.

for once in my life, it is a damn good thing that we have very little money. when you don’t have much, you don’t have much to lose.

the Bible seems so explicit in the way that it addresses money. it is so explicit that it seems nearly impossible for us, especially those of us that are Christ followers, to avoid it. but somehow we do.

we lay back, turn on the tube and begin to bite our worn out nails, wondering what the fate of our nation will be. fear becomes our god, only temporarily replacing money.

yes, i have a family, and yes, i want to be OK. but, i wonder, what on earth would it take for us (and when i say “us” i mean U.S. citizens) to wake up and turn our eyes to a true God? what will it take to stop succumbing to the message that if we store away enough money in investments we are “safe”?

the only answer is for our idols to come toppling down.

the harsh reality is that this empire needs to come down. we are no better than anyone else. we are certainly no wiser.
the best thing that could happen is to suffer.

i realize this is all so morose and unsettling. it isn’t really what i want to think about. but for just one day, if we replace every thought of fear with a deep breath, and every hope for a financially sound future with a hope for peace and love for ALL, what would change?

one of my favorite movies of all time is Reality Bites. it’s a bit dated now, but basically sums up how i feel about life, and how i’ve felt about life since i was very young. this quote from ethan hawke’s character came to mind as i wrote today:

“What is it that you want from me, huh? You want me to get a job on the line for the next 20 years til I’m granted leave with my gold-plated watch and my balls full of tumors because I surrendered the one thing that means shit to me. Well you can just exhale because its not gonna happen, not in this lifetime.”

what are we living for?
watches or love?

i think it’s time for a year of Jubalee.

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