:breathe in love:breathe out patience:

today, as i was loading the groceries in the car outside trader’s, i noticed a young-ish latino man staring at chloe as he bagged trash from the various public trash cans. he wasn’t anything special to look at; a white t-shirt, dark pants, and ochre tinted skin, likely a result from many days bagging trash, and other laborious jobs. his teeth looked a bit out of sorts, but he smiled nonetheless. i kindly smiled back.

as i continued to load the car, i looked up at him again, and i realized he was taken with chloe. he smiled directly at her sitting calmly in the cart, shoveling some random bread product into her mouth, giving him the inquisitive stare that she has mastered so well. seeing this man’s genuine kindness and interest in a little one, i asked her to say hi, giving him a polite wave and a smile.

then, he asked me, “how many months is she?” i responded with her age, and he smiled again. he asked me, “what’s her name?” i once again responded, and he happily repeated, “chloe.”

as i stood there loading my wagon with bags of groceries, detached from reality due to my preoccupation with how difficult life is, i was suddenly thrust into the present: i have a car, a nice apartment, a decent paying job, medical insurance and the blessing of being born in a country that isn’t falling apart (yet). i began to feel a bit awkward with my entitlement.

this man, bagging trash, had a sparkle in his eyes. he was so taken with the sight of this small child, innocently sitting in a cart. when i finally snapped fully into the moment, i wondered if maybe he had a child(ren) of his own, that maybe the sight of another little one was enough to remind him of the pure love of a child; maybe even of his own. then i began to wonder at whether his family was in this country. i don’t want to just assume that he’s illegal, or not, or where his family is. but clearly he had immigrated from somewhere at some point. that’s when i felt the ache in my heart. it struck me that this man may not be able to see his family at all. i imagined a life without seeing chloe…knowing she exists, knowing she’s mine, but not being able to touch her little hands, hear her sweet voice.

it’s very possible that this man willingly left his child to try and make life better for everyone. it is a very sobering thought. as i drove away, i had thoughts of going back and just talking to him, hearing HIS story. i am sure that it’s compelling, sacrificial, maybe even scandalous. right then i woke up from my life of expectations and pity. will i go back? of course. but one moment spent thinking about a person that doesn’t maintain the expectations that i do, reminds me of why i need to live in the present.

i can’t think of the movie that this paraphrased quote comes from, but it has been festering in my head for 2 days:

this idea of expectations seems to be cycling in and out of many facets of my life lately. we recently saw the rebroadcasting of a segment on 60 minutes about the happiest people in the world: the danes. their reasoning for that? lower expectations. i remember being struck by that when i saw it months ago, and again reminded of its importance a couple weeks ago. in my yoga practice, i feel like this has been a theme. as i have become more advanced, i have also become more judgmental, both of myself and others. i expect to be at a certain level, able to do certain postures, and when i can’t, i feel defeated. i realize this is probably why i quit many long term things…because i have set expectations beyond what i, or anyone else can match.

it is so simple, really. all i have to do is accept where i am at, where others are at, breathe and focus, right here and now, and life will take on a completely different look.

tonight i spent about half an hour doing some of the more difficult postures, taking them step by step. i noticed myself getting distracted, completely focused on the result rather than the intention. i turned off the tv, turned on some calm music and took a few minutes to breathe in child’s pose, and then upright with eyes closed. i waited to do more postures until i could take full inhales. then i began again. i noticed that my mind was in a different spot. if i fell, i told myself it was part of the process. finally, i tried the posture i was trying to really conquer, again. i could get up, but not hold it. i felt frustrated, thinking about how it’s going to take forever to get it. i’m not patient. i decided to try once more, this time closing my eyes at the top. then, i did it. it was short, but it was also a victory. i let my legs down and quietly smiled to myself. i knew that i was just trying to get into some posture to feel more accomplished. it wasn’t until i turned inward and honored my skill level, and honored the mind/body connection, that i was able to achieve anything.

i am no better than the man bagging trash. in fact, i am probably worse off because i have more, want more, think i need more. we are all waging a daily war with our minds. we are all human…same desires, same sensations, same feelings, same hurts, same needs. i am not entitled to life or all that life holds anymore than he is. but we are both trying to feel everything there is RIGHT NOW. he did that quite well. he saw the beauty of a moment and captured it, maybe even storing it away for later. i want that.

the title of this post has been a phrase i tell myself a lot, especially when going into work. today it came up again.
i realized that it wasn’t a concept to apply just to others in difficult situations, but a concept to practice with myself.

breathe in love, breath out patience.

just imagine if we had love and patience for ourselves everyday…