:reunion:

just yesterday i signed up to attend my 10 year high school reunion, on the 19th of july. this past week of trying to decide whether it was worth it or not has been oddly thought provoking.

it conjures up all these adolescent emotions and concerns that have been packed away for so long…or have they?

this morning i listened to a recent This American Life podcast about prom. i suppose it was appropriate timing considering my reunion. the podcast got me thinking about my own prom and high school experience. i was a less than enthusiastic high school student: a bit of a tomboy, not an athlete, not popular, not voted anything, and relatively smart. basically, your average kid, i guess. but throughout high school, and even now, i carried around this cynicism. part of it was probably true, noticing how superficial and ridiculous the drama of high school was; but some of it was probably envy.

as i have been vacillating between going or not going, i have noticed that the root emotions have remained the same. when we’re young, we want to be known. when we’re older we want to be known. maybe it’s amongst our clique in high school, or in our office as an adult. maybe it is just to our own families. we long to be the ones that ‘have’ and ‘do’ the most. in high school we envy those that are older, and in doing so, we become cynical about the rigidity of our elders, the responsibilities of being an adult, claiming that we won’t end up this or that way. then we actually do grow up and our cynicism turns to loathing what we were in high school, or at our immaturity, our innocence. as i noticed my own cynicism, and even embarrassment, consuming my thoughts of high school, i realized something. we become cynical and bitter when we secretly long for something. i don’t want to go back to my immaturity and pride from high school, but there is a loss of innocence as we age, which we can never get back. life was easy, without responsibility and the pain that accompanies real heart break, quarter life crises or nervous breakdowns. when i was in high school, no one had cell phones yet. who wouldn’t long for that time?

all things aside, there are so many things about high school that deserve a good joke and a laugh.

but as i think about this reunion just a month away, i keep wondering if people will recognize me. this thought has plagued me so much that i had a dream about it the other night. this thought nearly kept me from going. i keep in contact with only one other person from my class, and she’s in lithuania, likely to not even be at the reunion. i began to question my motives and if it was worth the expense to travel to vegas for 2 days with a toddler for it. like everyone else, i want to see who is doing what, are they fat, skinny, happy, angry, married, gay, etc…? and of course, i want to show off my beautiful family and share about being a yoga instructor, living the good (albeit poor) life in san diego, travels, joys, sorrows and the like. human nature is to show off, right? probably not the greatest thing to be known for. after all this pondering and wondering, i realized that if i didn’t go, i would regret it. i didn’t want to wait until my 20 year reunion to see everyone again. i suppose we’re all still young enough, and innocent enough to enjoy this springtime of life, minus major tragedies and comparing who has more death and divorce in their lives.

this morning i was reading in 1 John 2. this verse really struck me:

1 John 2:16
For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world.

when i read that, i immediately thought of this reunion. i know, it probably seems silly to be going on and on so deeply about a silly reunion, but it really makes me think. i know in my heart that there is pride and a desire to do the exact things that this verse speaks against. i want to be better than my former classmates. and it makes me cynical about humanity, because we are all there. we are all fighting to be better. isn’t that what capitalism is about? isn’t that what being american is about? i don’t like it; i pray that i would miraculously lose that desire to be better and simply enjoy where i am at today, being present, instead of living in a state of cynicism and comparison about where i was, am, or should/could be. i am ok right here.