i do not really know what it is. maybe waking up at 3am to be at starbucks at 4am to put on a jovial face for tired customers. maybe the grayish white sky and the wind whipping through the palm trees. maybe listening to endless customers banter about other people, their weekly sales, or simply getting the, “oh, wait just one minute” finger while they try to wrap up their cell phone conversation (which they never do). maybe it’s just not seeing chloe this morning, my precious morning wake up call. maybe it’s just me.

i’m not sure what it is, but i think it hit around 8:30 am when i was reading my Bible and then reading out of my yoga book. reading about yoga makes me thoroughly excited, while also being completely overwhelmed, realizing that i don’t know what the hek i’m doing yet. and i guess that leads me to my next conclusions…

i have not finished my bachelors. i finished yoga teacher training, but have yet to finish the 200 hours required for the certificate. i’m close, but somehow, it still seems to surreal. as i read in my book today, i came across this line about how yoga teachers need to be knowledgeable. i started thinking about how little i know, and yet, how willing people may be to hire me. am i qualified? do i feel ready? is it ethically right to be leading people in a physically challenging class without really knowing how it can effect them? all these questions arise. i begin to think that i’d be much better suited if i were a nurse, or had some sort of physical therapy background. at least i would be able to identify a certain muscle or something. but, i don’t.

as all these anxieties began surging, i realized my ‘unable to finish’ complex. yes, part of it is that i simply hated college. but i think that i’m realizing that a lot of it is insecurity and fear. someone is always better, and always will be. but i want to be the best. the perfectionist self begins to surface as i knock myself down and basically tell myself that that degree, or this certificate, etc., can’t happen because it’s just so impossible to be good enough. sadly, this has lead to my not finishing some things.

as i find myself again in this position, with the option to continue to push forward, trying to gain all the knowledge i can, with whatever means i have, i feel bogged down. part of me just says it’s too much. the time, the effort, my abilities, are all in question. but i am so sick of never getting anywhere. i’m sick of knowing a little bit about a lot of things. i love yoga. i love holistic studies. secretly, i would love to get into acupuncture and become a holistic health practitioner, while also being able to go to cooking school. but how? time, money, effort, life circumstances. the thought of having to wait 20+ years to achieve any of this just makes me throw it out. but i don’t want to.

i don’t know what i’ll do. i just have to try and take it one day at a time. as we always say in practice, we must honor where we are at TODAY.