:where we are now:

i think my itunes must me playing god this afternoon…yo la tengo, red house painters, jose gonzalez, devandra banhart, and all of them, my favorites. they’re all cool, mellow chillout songs that make you think.

and then LCD Soundsystem comes on with north american scum. maybe itunes isn’t so intuitive.

i have warring emotions, vacillating between perfect serenity and fidgity unknown.

here is where i’m at:

we moved a week and half ago, to a lovely, albeit more humble apartment in university heights. taking a step “down”, you never know what may come. i can say with all honesty, that i feel like there is this crazy marital renaissance going on. i feel like a kid again, in love, fearless, jovial, like i did before i got married. we are happy, even with less. even though we say it all the time, that things and riches do not bring happiness, it does not seem to be fully realized until you are forced there. jared has been working a new job for 2 weeks as an audio visual tech. we took a huge risk and pay decrease in accepting it. we had to move. much has changed, but all for something better. he is happy, hence i am happy. we want to do things for each other again. we want to do things on our own again. we don’t have a dishwasher, or a second bathroom, or a fireplace, or a private garage. but you know, i kind of like doing dishes by hand. they get cleaner faster. and really, we only used the second bath for chloe’s nightly baths. we’ve been perfectly fine with the one. we live in san diego, and i think we used the fireplace 2x in the year we lived there. and the garage, well, it’s nice to protect your car, but we have a spot and i’m happy with that.

the thing is, we love this area. we live one mile from our old place. relatively speaking, it’s nothing different. but these neighborhoods in san diego are so unique. it’s so quiet. i sleep better. no garbage trucks, no garages going up and down, no sirens speeding down university. jared went for a jog the other day and found this little trail along the cliffs looking over mission valley. it’s a 5 minute walk from our doorstep. there’s a couple decent sized trees, under which people have cleared some brush to make a little lookout. the air was so warm on our skin as we watched the blinding sunlight beaming from the ocean a few miles away. there were little flowers growing in the cracks of the dirt. the breeze was healing, wiping away the sweat from a day of hot rooms filled with artificial fans. it is a perfect retreat just a walk away. we spoke of spending evenings watching the sun set at dusk. i think we both knew that things are right.

but then i have my daily alone time, usually spent preparing dinner or taking a shower, time when i am left with my thoughts and ambitious nature. i think of exciting things to come, like kauai and going to spend an evening with the o’farrell’s and the cobalt season, and even stealing away a couple hours this evening with a friend. these are all good things, but they make me want to do so much more. i sit here at my laptop, just next to the front window looking down onto our street, and i can see the faint white trails from planes departing to wild new places, the palms fan out across the concrete, beckoning us to come and enjoy with their pointy shadowy fingers and the breeze immediately makes me think of all the gusts i’ve felt in other countries. i get antsy. and then i remember my precious sleeping in the other room. are we always to be this torn? when we finally begin to savor that which we’ve done, realizing what we can do, we find ourselves committed to other ventures. and when those ventures end, will we be too old to continue? what can i do today to make my home, my community, my world different? how do i have even a fraction of that power?

my generous in-laws gave us a gift certificate to whole foods. i bought a lot, a lot i would not normally, like raw milk, and maple syrup and oyster mushrooms and cheese. there is joy right here, making fresh shrimp tacos, because my husband loves them, cutting the slivers of cilantro, cubing pieces of avocado and dressing it all with fresh lemon zest. there is joy in this simplicity, whether here or there.